Angela Kelsey

twists and turns

Yesterday I wrote that no matter how often I wax on about life’s cycles and seasons, they still take me by surprise.

I am, apparently, a similarly slow learner when it comes to other topics.  Just last night I was talking, well, texting, with a friend about the long process of grieving various aspects of  an abusive relationship she is ending.

This morning, I went to my last “official” event of this Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the Women in Distress 5K SafeWalk-Run.  As of the publishing of this post, we’ve raised a total of $115,510 toward ending domestic violence.

As I drove through the 6 a.m. dark, it occurred to me that Markham Park, the location of today’s walk, a place I’d never been before today, is also the destination of the annual Toys in the Sun Run motorcycle ride, and the last place that Lee was alive on December 9, 2007 before the ride home and the crash that killed him.

I took that in. I considered the symmetry of my ending a month of speaking out by going to the place where he spent the last few hours of his life.  That seemed pretty big.  Something to pay attention to.  A spiral of emotions and circumstances.

Then I remembered that today is his birthday.

I have lost track of his birthday in the last few years, focusing instead on today as the birthday of Mr. Z’s daughter-in-law, letting go of date and time reminders as I can.  I have consciously and accidentally “moved on.”

Throughout October, I have thought about this walk, known its date and location, fundraised toward this deadline, harassed my team to get their donations in.  How is it possible that my mind did not put the pieces together until this morning?

I am taken by  surprise by the spirals, the synchronicity, the slam of recognition, the unexpected grief of memories.

Like I said, I am a slow learner.